In our last blog we discussed executive coach David Lesser’s approach for helping people to learn about setting boundaries, saying ‘No,’ and strengthening their integrity.  Our latest conversation is built on these skills.  We discussed the importance of making clear agreements.

Like many of us, my friend Joe’s world is a swirl. He is often stressed out and overwhelmed by his responsibilities, which feel burdensome. I love him dearly but our communication is hampered by slow replies and ambiguity.

Anthony, on the other hand, always seems together and composed. Projects and communication with him seem to be easy and straightforward, while Joe is responsible for a wide range of large projects.

I asked Executive Coach David Lesser to comment on Anthony’s success.

“People don’t make the connection between the degree of order or chaos in their lives and the quality of the agreements they make.”

As we spoke, I came to appreciate the full meaning of this. Pretty much everything around me is the way it is because of an agreement I have made with someone, or with myself. Even little agreements really matter.

David continued. “When a person makes an agreement merely to please others or live up to an ideal of how he should be, chances are he won’t keep it.  And it won’t matter enough to him to communicate a change in the agreement if the unforeseen occurs.  He will just hope the situation works out on its own, thereby satisfying his obligation to others.  But any connection between his agreements and the overwhelming swirl in his own life is completely overlooked.

“These three phases of agreements: making agreements, keeping agreements, and changing agreements when necessary, are all important.  Approaching each of these situations with integrity brings order, effectiveness and successful relationships.”

To develop the ability to make clear agreements, David suggested this practice: Everyday for the next week keep a log of how well you made, kept, or changed your agreements, and how well you held people accountable for their agreements to you as well.  Even this simple self-observation will shift your habits in a positive direction. Then to check your progress over a period of time, ask somebody you work with to give you feedback about how you are in this area now. Ask them again in one month and then three months down the line.

“Becoming aware of how we make and keep agreements with others,” David concluded, “makes us skillful in making agreements with ourselves. When you know you can trust yourself…that is happiness, that is what makes your leadership easy to follow.”

Please comment below on your experience in this area.

David Lesser is an executive coach in Northern California who mentors CEOs and executives in all aspects of self-development with a focus on coaching people through times of personal and professional transition.

One important skill David Lesser teaches is how to confront conflict more directly and more effectively. The benefits include more space, more order and more peace, in people’s lives.

“So many people tell me they are just too busy, that they habitually overcommit themselves,” Lesser explained.  “It’s caused by the fact that they can’t say ‘no.’ Colleagues of people who avoid confrontation often find them totally likable, but in the end they can’t really trust them in tough situations. They can’t be relied on as ‘go to’ individuals, because when they say ‘yes’ they don’t always follow through.

“On the positive side, these types of people tend to be very good at seeing tension in others and in their teams. They may be excellent peacemakers. But their integrity suffers.”

Lesser suggests that merely trying to modify the behavior usually proves unhelpful, because the root of the issue goes unaddressed. “This pattern comes down to a person’s relationship with power and strength, so I make it safe for people to make peace with their personal experiences with conflict, anger and boundaries.  When people have seen power expressed in ways that were hurtful or frightening, either to themselves or to others, they can shun the feeling of power or directness in themselves.

“At some fundamental level, they made a decision never to be like that.”

What do they do when they realize this? “It’s very important to honor the reasons why someone might be resistant to squarely confronting conflict,” Lesser continued. “There is no need to try to override these reasons on the way to reclaiming one’s own confidence with respect to power and appropriate anger.  In fact, such people are typically not short on these qualities. Rather, they are acutely aware of how strong they are and it scares them.  The aversion to conflict fades when the person appreciates that they can be trusted to use their power safely. They of all people! Because they are sensitive to how anger, strength and boundaries can be used in hurtful ways, they are actually very trustable with this power.”

Lesser points out that leaders don’t inspire trust by declaring that they would never hurt anyone. It is those who remain alert to how they can hurt people with their power, while still confronting challenges head-on, who garner real and lasting trust in their colleagues.

One practice Lesser suggests so people can test-drive their newly reclaimed power is called Say No Cleanly. “I ask them to find seven people to say ‘no’ to, in situations where the pressure is low. For instance, their spouse may want to go together to a movie that is not really their thing and the person might consciously say ‘no’ in a direct and clean way. This helps people to build the muscle of using just the right amount of power so that they’re prepared when a more crucial ‘no’ moment arises.

I tried this myself and was amazed how much extra time opened up on my schedule from no longer saying yes to stuff that wasn’t really mine to do.

You might want to have a go at this approach. Write down your personal experiences with conflict, anger and boundaries, noting any decisions you may have made about who or what you never want to be like. Then reclaim your confidence in your own power. Practice saying no cleanly in seven low-stakes situations. Let us know your experience of this topic. And stay tuned for our follow up interview, in which we will cover the related issue of making clear agreements. 

David Lesser is an executive coach in Northern California who mentors CEOs, presidents, and executives in all aspects of self-development with a focus on coaching people through times of personal and professional transition.

Leaders tell me that sometimes the most challenging people to be around are those who constantly need to perform in some way. You know, the person who needs to prove that they are the best at what they do or who won’t rest for the constant need to get even more recognition. He or she just has to shine in some way.

Perhaps, like me, when you meet people who are shining, you feel tempted to take them down a peg. If I see someone putting a significant amount of energy into buffing themselves up in their own eyes and in the eyes of others, it pushes a button in me.  My skin crawls. Part of me wouldn’t mind at all if they fell flat on their face!

The coaching that we offer in such cases may be counterintuitive.

Why do shining people want to show up as more than or better than they are? Because deep inside they believe that they are not good enough in some fundamental way – not good enough as human beings. They are yet to discover how to claim their worth.

Generally, I find it helps leaders wanting to harness the talent of such people to understand this pattern as a wound. We could call this the performance wound. Everybody has one, though we each experience it uniquely.  We pick it up at some impressionable point, when our sense of our own goodness gets tied to our performance. It was when we achieved this or that, or displayed some potential, that we seemed to be most loved. Pretty quickly the young mind registers that as, “Unless I do the pleasing thing, I am not good enough. I have to perform to be worthy of love.”

Even as the behavior pushes our buttons, we can find compassion for the person, just as if he or she had shown up with a broken leg or open gash in the skin.

Learning to recognize the performance wound in others can help us be more effective colleagues and inspiring leaders. Here is a recent example of coaching a leader to reveal and harness the talent of an excessively shining colleague.

We began by unpacking what was really going on. This allowed the client’s initial recoil from his colleague’s shining behavior to mature into understanding and compassion for her underlying anxiety. Originally he had feared that encouraging her would inflate her into more arrogance. But once he saw the root of the pattern he realized that this colleague needed to feel support, to know – before she performs in any way – that she is appreciated for who she is as a person.

Then we test-drove various ways to communicate appreciation that is targeted on her character, not just her performance. Ways to give her the green light to show up as who she is without trying to prove herself to be more than she is.

And it worked. Communication eased almost instantly, deepened and became more candid. The relationship clarified and this person has grown into one of my client’s most trusted colleagues. Her results have also improved because she doesn’t spend as much energy worrying about how she looks to others.

You might want to develop your own skills dealing with shining folks in this way. Practice giving people you know the green light to be who they are. Vigilantly look for things that happen and ways they express themselves that give evidence of character. Help people come free of the belief that they need to earn their worth as human beings. Target your words and gestures of affirmation on their character, not just what they do.

Let us know what happens for you.