In my last blog, we looked at reading people and situations by peeling back the story to uncover the essential dynamic: I-energy-here-now. I am now going to propose another step, which I have found to be most helpful. No matter how bad or good a situation may seem, assume what is happening here is that more of the quality of character of this person is emerging.

I used the example of a client who was feeling guilty about not being able to give more time to care for her ailing mother while dealing with cutbacks in her company. It turns out that—inner to the story—what was really happening here was a more loving and mature aspect of herself attempting to emerge. It was so much easier to be with the painful feeling when she saw the deeply caring part of her character that was emerging more fully in her now. She came to realize that by declaring a need for her own space she was better able to offer the emotional support her mother and her company needed.

Over the years, I have found that I can be completely confidant that—inner to every story, situation and dynamic—this is always the case. Ultimately, it turns out to be about some part of the person emerging more fully.

I was sick through much of this summer with a stomach flu which took a long while to shake. Every few days, just as I thought I was getting better, it would hit again. I am sure you have had similar experiences. Yes, I blamed myself for lack of fitness, took it as sign of aging and so on. All the stories people tell themselves in such situations, especially those in our fifties. How could this stomach flu be about self-emergence?

I am one of those people who had learned to cover over my fear. I do such a good job at showing up as effective, even when I am nervous, that I had pretty much forgot what it feels like to be scared. There was one night this summer when, with the help of this stomach flu, that veneer cracked open. I was really scared. Scared the body would never heal, that I would let people down, not be able to support my family. I had got down to the essential dynamic: I-fear-here-now.

Along with this scared feeling, I had my deeper confidence. Somehow this has to be about self emerging. My confidence was well-placed. I have emerged as a person who can feel fear more fully. I am sensitive in a new way to how others are feeling afraid, even when they cannot feel it themselves. I understand where they are coming from like never before. I find myself approaching challenges with a new-found humilty, seeing more options than my previous know-the-answer mode allowed and guiding people in effectively navigating the fear that is driving difficult behaviors in those with whom they work and live. It has been such a gift.

The invitation is to look at any dynamic and see self emerging. It is there. There is some part of you emerging, or some part of the person with whom you are working. Becoming more aware of self emerging takes us to the cutting edge of transformation.

Here is a powerful technique for reading people and situations.

When someone answers the question, “What’s up for you?” the response you receive will typically be a story or two about people and situations that are currently grabbing their attention. Inside those stories is often a kernel of a truth about the teller waiting to be revealed and coaxed to the surface.

The stories we tell contain these four aspects:

** Person
** Emotional charge
** Place
** Time

How do we distill this truth kernal from the story?

I will use a recent session with a client (shared with permission) to illustrate the point. When I asked what was going on in her life, she told me about the difficulties she was having with her mother, who had recently begun to get confused and clearly needed help as she entered this most fragile stage of life. When I asked how she felt about her mother’s situation, she replied that she experienced guilt because her mother lives 300 miles away and had made it clear that she didn’t want to be a burden to her children. In addition, my client had no desire to disrupt her life and move in with her mother, yet could not help but feel she was being remiss in her duties as a daughter.

When asked about what else was going on in her life, she said she was feeling frustrated because the man she had been seeing was not as available to her due to work and other obligations. And when I probed her for one more piece of her life, she shared that she was concerned about her company. She saw the possibility of needing to do a series of layoffs, and my client was less than thrilled at the prospect.

Let us peel back these stories. For PERSONS we have the daughter, the mother, the man and work colleagues. For EMOTIONAL CHARGE we hear confusion, need, guilt, care, furtration and worry. For PLACES there is the mother’s house 300 miles away, a work place and somewhere far away where the man visits his customers. And for TIME we have some point when the mother might not be able to fend for herself and another when the company may have to lay people off.

To convert the story into its truth kernal we distill these into four simple elements:

** I
** Energy
** Here
** Now

What if all the persons are telling us something about the speaker? What if we remove the apparent positive or negative charge and see what is present just as energy? What if all places and all time references are telling us about what is happening here now? We are left with I-Energy-Here-Now.

Let’s distill the characters, charges, places and times out of my client’s story. Underneath the daughter-mother story we can feel a deep caring, otherwise neither one would have felt guilty or worried. Underneath the woman-man story we can feel honesty and clarity trying to make itself available, otherwise neither would be frustrated or avoiding. Even the uncertainty surrounding the work situation might be an overlay of the same dynamic: life asking her to take a stand for herself.

I-Energy-Here-Now.

You might enjoy trying this technique on yourself. Write a paragraph in answer to the question, “What’s up in your life?” Choose two or three stories, then have a look. Peel away the characters so each one is telling you something about you. Where there is a positive or negative feeling, peel away the charge—perhaps what appeared in the story as a positive emotion is also negative or vice versa. Distill the story to an essential dynamic of I-Energy-Here-Now. Then turn it around and look at it from different angles. Some truth kernal will likely show itself. In my client’s example, she discovered that she was feeling uncared for in her own life and the time was ripe to take a stand for herself. What is it for you?

In my next blog, we’ll explore how everybody’s stories are really about self emerging.

What if there were a way to predict how relationships will unfold over time?

New beginnings are ripe with possibility. A fledgling relationship, a coveted job, or moving to a new town all present a bright, shining opportunity to get it right. At these times, we tend to idealize the situation, not only putting our best face forward but looking for the greatest good in others. There inevitably comes a time when the honeymoon is over and we can no longer overlook the vulnerability that sits just below the surface, that place in others where they are fallible.

I am suggesting that the real juice in any relationship comes from the difficult times, when faced with the worst in others. And by worst, I mean the inability to cover up those tender and vulnerable places that may present themselves as difficult or uncooperative. It’s at those moments that we have the most to learn. The invitation is to be ready when the cracks in the seemingly-perfect veneer begin to appear. The challenges posed when confronting someone’s worst self is where growth resides, for both you and the other person.

What determines how well two people will function over time has less to do with how our best selves get along. How will you do with the worst in me? And how will I do with the worst in you?

You might want to try it. Whether you are courting a new business partner or a new romantic partner, by all means get fully enthused how the best in them brings forward the best in you. Then think also about the worst. When we can see how we will rub against each other—challenge stuck places and irritate in ways we do everything we can to avoid—and still want to engage…then we have something that will endure.

That will set us up to be open and attentive at those times when either one is being difficult, angry or moody. Stones become smooth when their rough edges rub up against those of another stone. While we may have hoped for a steady stream of rainbows and sunsets, what we find is that growth through the difficult times is much more fulfilling.